Melissa here.
It had been a hard week after the public hearing.
We had 30 days until the commissioner’s meeting.
We had less than that to decide if we stayed in or pulled out.
I hadn’t been sleeping well. My dreams were punctuated with restless repeating dreams of me in front of the public, or in the forest, or in a warehouse, and trying fruitlessly to fix an unknown project. Again and again.
And it had been a hard week of conversations…
… with Tanner.
… with our civil engineering team.
… with our architects.
Around and around in circles.
Trying to discern what was best.
Really: trying to read a future we couldn’t see.
Despite the dream.
Despite the vision.
Despite the miraculous availability of the property…
We were leaning towards pulling out.
It just felt too risky to stay in, and risk having the final “no” that would essentially bankrupt our process just by the attrition of time.
“Tanner I think we need to both take some time to fast and pray independently”, I finally said. “Why don’t we stop talking about it for a few days and use our independent time as a way to ask for confirmation?”
A couple days later, I was trying to pray and found myself going back – as I often do – into problem solving mode.
Trying to solve the problem of how to get approval.
Trying to figure it out in my own head.
In my spirit I felt a gentle voice: “Melissa. You’re seeking the approval of man. Move forward. I will be your defender”.
I was at once convicted of my want for others' approval, and at the same time felt deep peace.
Two days later, at the end of our fast, Tanner and I sat down to share. He went first.
“Honestly, I want to pull out. But during my time praying I had this sense that if we did it was because I was looking for people’s approval and that we should just move forward”.
(!!!)
I was in awe of God’s gracious unity he had given us.
I also knew, as I have seen so many times over the years, that that moment didn’t mean it would be a “yes”.
It could still be a no.
Our project and lives could still be redirected.
Cypress could wither.
But I had a deep overwhelming peace, finally, that was independent of the outcome.
And I could sleep.
….
Less than 20 days later, Tanner stood in front of the commissioners to receive their decision while I was with our kids and my family.
And it was a yes.
An overwhelming yes.
I cried and cheered and felt a deep sense of relief I didn’t even know I was holding out for.
We had just successfully rezoned and could start the building process.
Looking back we see that this was just one of those dark nights of the soul that tests one’s resolve and one’s faith.
Warmly,
Melissa and Tanner
Comments